Hello, and welcome to another week of Keith’s ramblings! Just kidding.
I hope all of you are having a great week. It’s been quite sunny here in BC, and it’s a nice refreshing week compared to the rainy weather that we were having a few weeks ago. I mean, it’s still technically spring here, but summer is less than a month away, so the sun is more than welcome. However, my week hasn’t really been quite sunny and refreshing.
I recently failed this week. It lasted two days, and I couldn’t stop until I told a close friend about it. It kept me going over and over again, and each time that I failed, I kept feeling even worse. I didn’t know how to stop or refrain from doing it. It was as if something got a hold of me and just kept thrashing me again and again. As if once isn’t enough.
It happened, and I knew it was gonna happen. I just didn’t stop myself from doing it, and decided to just let it happen. I knew the consequences, but I still let it happen. It was really stupid of me. I just couldn’t believe I’ve failed again at a struggle that I have been fighting so hard to stop. All I could do was just be in the mess of it all with no escape (even when God had presented me an opportunity to escape). Ah, stupid Keith. And to think that leadership was meant for me.
I’m not gonna disclose it here, but it’s been a long-time struggle for me. It has been something that I struggled with even as a child, and I feel like it will disqualify me for so many things that I dream of doing in ministry. I think this struggle of mine is going to stop me from pursuing ministry even further, which, as much as I want to say grace exists, I know might happen.
Yet, through my failures, God reaches out to me and still holds on. He still loves and cares for me. He actually gave me a message when I was repenting and praying to Him:
“Come to me at your dirtiest, not just at your cleanest.”
At that moment, I saw an image of me as a little kid; a little kid that went outside after taking a shower to play in the mud, and is now standing in front of God all dirty and messy with stains all over my white shirt and my body. It was as if He was telling me that He didn’t care if I have failed. He cared that I went back and repented. He cared that I came to Him after spending some time in the dirt with a huge mess instead of hiding it.
I can’t say I will never do it again, but God help me if I didn’t try to never do it again. He needs my obedience, and if I can’t give Him that, then what’s the point of calling myself a God-loving, God-following Christian? I think I need to establish steps of not failing again just so I can live for Christ and obey Him without conditions or constraints.
I know God can change my life. All I need to do now is trust Him and trust Him fully.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
– 1 John 1:9 ESV
TL;DR – Keith wishes you all a great week! However, Keith is not having a great week due to struggles and failures. Keith feels stupid for failing, but God is gracious and loving. God can change Keith. Keith, remember 1 John 1:9.