I can’t believe that April is already ending. I mean, it’s going to be May next week (*cue Justin Timberlake meme*). But since April is ending, everything seems to be improving…I think. I don’t usually know anymore. I think it’s getting better. I mean, I recently finished school and I passed all my classes, which means I’m graduating. I’m (gradually) becoming content with working at my workplace after realizing how resentful I’ve been towards it. I have all of this free time that I never used to have when I was going to school. I can now focus on doing things that I wanted to do for a long time, like play video games, watch movies and all these other things.
But I don’t take advantage of it.
I usually work on Thursdays and Fridays (subject to change soon because my schedule is all free due to finishing school), so I have free time on Monday to Wednesday. Yet all I did those days is lie down and do nothing. I mean, I had all this free time (accompanied with beautiful weather, I might add) and yet all I did is just lie down and watch YouTube videos all day. It’s a bit…depressing. Well, I do have to say that I was a little bit depressed. “Why, Keith?” You may ask. Well, it’s a bit of everything.
I finished school and passed all my classes, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’m becoming content with my workplace, yet I find that I’m not satisfied with what I’m doing right now. I have all of this free time, yet I still feel like I’m imprisoned doing all these other responsibilities for my family and for church. I can focus on doing things that I like, but I can’t find the motivation to do the things that I want to do i.e. play video games, improve our church’s website, learn new things. I feel like I’m stuck in this endless loop of ‘Let’s do this,’ ‘Looks really hard,’ ‘But what’s the point?’ ‘Never mind’ and it never seems to end.
Then this quote popped up on my Twitter feed:
“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”
I paused. I couldn’t believe that this quote went full circle. I posted about this quote last year too, but when I read it again, it was different. It was totally different. There seems to be more weight attached to it now.
When I was younger (eleven-year-old Keith, to be precise), I was longing for a person who would look after me like a brother. I was lonely, and I needed guidance. I wanted someone who would show me the ropes and make me a better person. I was wanting a male figure to look up to and be a role model. I needed a role model. I needed a teacher. I needed a person who was willing to take care of me. But I didn’t get one. Instead, I had to go through all these problems and do trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes. A lot. Some of which I regret.
Now that I’m older, I can be the person that I wanted to be when I was younger. I can be the older brother to the person who needs one. I can be the role model to the kids that don’t have a role model. I can be that person, and if all I do is lounge around all day watching videos and doing nothing, what kind of brother would I be? Would I look back in five years and be proud of being lazy? When those who look up to me ask me if I encourage this behaviour, can I say ‘No’ even when I do it myself? Would I endorse that behaviour on those who see me as a role model?
I can’t bear to answer yes to any of those questions.
Now, I want to change that. I need to be proactive. I need to wake up earlier. I need to get up and do things, whether that is to eat, run or do chores. I need to stop putting what I need to do aside and just do it without complaining or procrastinating. I need to be better. I need to do what God has called me to be, and part of that is to be an older brother/teacher. I need to put aside all the temporary things and focus on the goal. I need to focus on the goal that God has placed in my heart and to strive towards that goal.
I need Jesus, and I need to be like Him.
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
– Philippians 3:12-16
TL;DR – Keith can’t believe May is coming. Keith finished school and has more free time, but can’t seem to do what Keith likes. Keith sees quote. Keith needs to change attitude and behaviour. Keith, remember Philippians 3:12-16.