4.27.17 – “Be Who You Needed When You Were Younger”

Hello!

I can’t believe that April is already ending. I mean, it’s going to be May next week (*cue Justin Timberlake meme*). But since April is ending, everything seems to be improving…I think. I don’t usually know anymore. I think it’s getting better. I mean, I recently finished school and I passed all my classes, which means I’m graduating. I’m (gradually) becoming content with working at my workplace after realizing how resentful I’ve been towards it. I have all of this free time that I never used to have when I was going to school. I can now focus on doing things that I wanted to do for a long time, like play video games, watch movies and all these other things.

But I don’t take advantage of it.

I usually work on Thursdays and Fridays (subject to change soon because my schedule is all free due to finishing school), so I have free time on Monday to Wednesday. Yet all I did those days is lie down and do nothing. I mean, I had all this free time (accompanied with beautiful weather, I might add) and yet all I did is just lie down and watch YouTube videos all day. It’s a bit…depressing. Well, I do have to say that I was a little bit depressed. “Why, Keith?” You may ask. Well, it’s a bit of everything.

I finished school and passed all my classes, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’m becoming content with my workplace, yet I find that I’m not satisfied with what I’m doing right now. I have all of this free time, yet I still feel like I’m imprisoned doing all these other responsibilities for my family and for church. I can focus on doing things that I like, but I can’t find the motivation to do the things that I want to do i.e. play video games, improve our church’s website, learn new things. I feel like I’m stuck in this endless loop of ‘Let’s do this,’ ‘Looks really hard,’ ‘But what’s the point?’ ‘Never mind’ and it never seems to end.

Then this quote popped up on my Twitter feed:

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

I paused. I couldn’t believe that this quote went full circle. I posted about this quote last year too, but when I read it again, it was different. It was totally different. There seems to be more weight attached to it now.

When I was younger (eleven-year-old Keith, to be precise), I was longing for a person who would look after me like a brother. I was lonely, and I needed guidance. I wanted someone who would show me the ropes and make me a better person. I was wanting a male figure to look up to and be a role model. I needed a role model. I needed a teacher. I needed a person who was willing to take care of me. But I didn’t get one. Instead, I had to go through all these problems and do trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes. A lot. Some of which I regret.

Now that I’m older, I can be the person that I wanted to be when I was younger. I can be the older brother to the person who needs one. I can be the role model to the kids that don’t have a role model. I can be that person, and if all I do is lounge around all day watching videos and doing nothing, what kind of brother would I be? Would I look back in five years and be proud of being lazy? When those who look up to me ask me if I encourage this behaviour, can I say ‘No’ even when I do it myself? Would I endorse that behaviour on those who see me as a role model?

I can’t bear to answer yes to any of those questions.

Now, I want to change that. I need to be proactive. I need to wake up earlier. I need to get up and do things, whether that is to eat, run or do chores. I need to stop putting what I need to do aside and just do it without complaining or procrastinating. I need to be better. I need to do what God has called me to be, and part of that is to be an older brother/teacher. I need to put aside all the temporary things and focus on the goal. I need to focus on the goal that God has placed in my heart and to strive towards that goal.

I need Jesus, and I need to be like Him.

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
– Philippians 3:12-16

TL;DR – Keith can’t believe May is coming. Keith finished school and has more free time, but can’t seem to do what Keith likes. Keith sees quote. Keith needs to change attitude and behaviour. Keith, remember Philippians 3:12-16.

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04.20.17 – Catching Up and Renewing Past Connections

Hello there!

Last week was my last week of school, so forgive me for not writing a post down. I was quite busy trying to finish my year-end project to the point where my partner and I were still finishing it the day it was due, which was past Thursday. However, I’m done school now! Well, technically I’m done school when I get my final grade for my project class. I’m hoping that I get it before the grades are due so I can attend my graduation ceremony (Please, please, please, please, Lord. Please, please, please, please…).

ANYWAYS, now that I’m (technically) done school, I have (less..?) free time now, so I’m trying to do things that I’ve put on hold because of school reasons, and I realize that I don’t have that much free time to begin with. Before my semester ended, so many things started happening, and now I have to pick up some of the slack that was left off, such as church stuff. I currently work at my church in an administrative position, and I seem to be busier than I was before I finished school. I don’t know why, but it just seems like my schedule is always booked off, and it’s starting to get…exhausting, to say the least. To be fair, it isn’t just church stuff, but a mix of personal, ministry, and social life. However, the more I do these things, the more I realize just what God has been calling me to do, and yesterday’s events solidified the recent thoughts that I’ve been having with God.

Yesterday was a LOOOONNG day. I started the day at 10:30 am and didn’t stop until 12:30 am today (last night? Midnight? I don’t really know the proper term for it). This is because a close friend of mine, who I only get to see twice in a year, wanted to hang out yesterday (my brother called it our “bi-annual hangout”). I told my brother and a bunch of our church friends about it (him and his family used to go to our church, so people knew who he was). Then, out of nowhere, my brother tells me that my friend – let’s call him Jam – should drop by at our place so that they can see each other (they haven’t seen each other in five or six years). I agreed, so we did that.

I drove to the mall where Jam and I hung out, ate, walked and talked, sat down, and then proceeded to drive back to our place. When we arrived, my brother answered the door, and they hugged it out (like bros do, you know?). We started talking at our living room for about an hour before I told my brother that I was dropping Jam off and that he can come if he wanted to. He complied, took a shower, and then we drove to our friend’s place. We have not seen their new place yet (they’ve moved twice in the past two years), so Jam invited us in.

My brother and I got to see their entire family, who we haven’t seen in about five or six years, and we just got around to talking. My brother kept talking about how things have changed, such as Jam’s little brothers, who are now in high school (the last time my brother saw them was when they were still in elementary school). So, of course, we had some sort of reunion with everyone. We talked, hung out, listened to music, and just told stories for five and a half hours. We caught up with them, invited them to an event happening at our church in May, said our goodbyes, and left. When we drove back home, I couldn’t help but think about things related to the calling that God has for me.

It was as if God was connecting all these loose threads that I have with people and reconnecting them back all over again. It was as if He was plugging all the things that have been unplugged in the past few years but in a completely different way. It was familiar, but new at the same time. It was as if God was showing me that, while other people’s bridges have been burned, my bridge with other people was just inactivated. Now, it’s as if God is activating these bridges again, and He wants them permanently there. I couldn’t help but understand that this is God’s plan all along; that He is inviting His children back to their Father, and that all we have to do is accept His invitation. Then early morning today, God reminded me of Malachi 4:6a (ESV):

“And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers…”

This was a part of God’s plan for me all along: to lead His children back to the heart of the Father. What a refreshing moment. I now understand what God’s plan is for me and why He is leading me the way He’s leading me now. My calling has now gotten clearer, and I hope that I can follow His leading to the best of my abilities.

Now, to survive this day being fatigued…

P.S. Regarding my last post, I didn’t get the position. 😦 It’s okay though! I’m sure God has other plans. 😀

“And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers…”
– Malachi 4:6a ESV

TL;DR – Keith is now finished school, and Keith has more/less free time. Keith and brother hung out with friends that they have not seen for five years. Keith and brother had fun catching up, and went home late. Keith had thoughts about God’s calling. God reminded Keith of Malachi 4:6a. Keith, remember Malachi 4:6 and follow His leading.

04.06.17 – Ctrl-T, Sign In, Log Out, Ctrl-W, Wait, Ctrl-T, Sign In…

Hello there!

Happy April, everyone! Is it just me, or does it feel like this year is zipping by? I can’t believe we’re already four months in 2017. That’s 95 days (I searched this up. I’m not mathematically inclined, although I do know people who are)! Anyways, the first week of April is my last week of school, so I have some weird feelings about this month. Good feelings, mind you, but also some negative feelings. “What would those be, Keith? I thought graduation time is happy times,” you ask with inquisitive thoughts.

Well, I’m currently looking for a new full-time job as the job that I currently have right now is – how can I say it – not entirely what I am looking for in a career. I like the environment. I like the people. I like the organization. However, I find myself looking out the huge window at my temporary desk (it’s legitimately a huge window overseeing the road, and yes, I do not currently have a desk as the one I am using is only a temporary location) hoping and praying that there’s something better for me. Maybe yesterday will attribute to it, but I don’t know.

I had a job interview yesterday. It was for a mobile video game company (one of my dreams is to work at a video game company), and I thought I did okay in my interview. In terms of a letter grade, I thought I did a B. The people who interviewed me were all great people, and they were nice and accommodating. I didn’t feel awkward at all. I feel like I messed up some questions, but overall I think I did well, and they told me that they’ll let me know in the next two weeks.

However, I thought I didn’t do well enough to land the position, so I decided to do something that I have never done before (and I mean, never done before): send a Thank You email for the interview. So I sent one this morning, and now I keep checking my email to see if it would help with my application. But I feel terrible.

I feel terrible because I’m now worried and anxious about this position.

I find myself going through the motions of making a new tab on Chrome, signing in to my email, not seeing anything and immediately signing out, exiting from the tab and doing some of my work, then doing the same thing all over again. Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and over again? But I can’t help it. I can’t help but worry about this job because I feel like it’s my way out of my current workplace. I know that I should be blessed with having a position in the first place and that I should be focusing on God more, but my worries just seem to take over when I’m working, and I can’t do anything.

I just want to know!

Yet, through all of this, I find myself looking back and thinking about what God said to the sons of Korah in Psalms 46:10 (ESV):

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”

I keep worrying, and God is telling me to be still. He’s telling me that He’s got it. He’s telling me that He has me in the palm of His hands. He’s taking care of me. He has me in His mind, and that He is paving my path for me. He was there for me, He is here now, and He is already where He wants me to go. God’s got it all, and all I have to do is wait on Him.

All I have to do is be still and know that He is God.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
– Psalms 46:10 ESV

TL;DR – Keith has mixed feelings about April. Keith looking for full-time job and got interview yesterday (yay!). Keith sent Thank You email back, and now Keith is worried about job. Keith doing same thing over and over again. God reminds Keith to be still and wait on Him. Keith, remember Psalms 46:10 ESV.