07.30.17 – Permission to Fail

Hello!

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a month (and a half? My last post was on June 16. Yikes.) now. Life is kinda throwing a bunch of curve balls at me, and it’s been quite the tough journey. It’s been a tough few weeks with road bumps and detours, and it seems like it’s not ending any time soon.

The moment I started on this road, it’s as if I’m going through it on full throttle. Then, all of a sudeen, the road is accompanied by road bumps every few minutes and detours on every block without signs to even signify that there’s one coming up. Straight, right, left, straight again, there’s a speed bump, right, another speed bump, 2 seconds in the air before coming down again. It goes over and over again, and I find myself spending so much time trying to figure out where I’m going that the moment I’ve figured out the previous speed bump, another one appears.

To be frank, I’m getting annoyed and frustrated at it. It’s as if God was like, “Hey, Keith! Here’s a new opportunity for you!” Then, after taking it, He’s like, “Awesome! You took it! Don’t forget the struggles that come with it!” Then boom. Struggle after struggle. Problem after problem. Challenge after challenge.

While the sun is shining on a beautiful July day, I’m here wallowing in the dark with no “Exit” sign and no fire escape anywhere I look. There’s a door, but this isn’t the time or the place to get away from. I know that the door is locked from the inside, but I can exit any time. But it’s as if I have to be here at this particular place at this particular time.

It’s as if I need to be here.

I don’t know the reason yet, nor do I know why I’m going through this tough road. All I do know is that I am going through this tough time, and it seems as if I have been given a new permission:

A permission to fail.

This might seem like a bad permission to have as it does mean that I’m going to fail time and time again, and I agree. I’m not opposed to anyone thinking that having permission to fail is the best thing. Why, you ask? Because this whole month was a month of failures for me.

I failed at becoming the best hire at my new company. I failed at passing my driver’s exam. I failed at becoming a full licensed driver. I failed at keeping my emotions in check. I failed at listening to the concerned voices of my friends. I failed at being sensitive to the needs of my friends. I failed at overcoming my struggles. I failed at overcoming my pride. I failed at becoming a better friend. I failed at becoming a better son.

If I was graded on a letter scale, the month of July for me would have been an F- (if grades even go that low). My effort would have been an A+ (not to brag, but I tried my hardest on EVERYTHING; i just failed at them all.) I would have failed this entire month.

However, I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson in failing:

It’s okay to fail.

In a society that values perfectionism and success, nobody openly discusses or values failure. Many people talk about their failures, and some people find it inspiring that people can get up and be successful, but most inspirational speakers don’t leave me inspired. In fact, they leave me feeling even worse. It’s not their fault, obviously (I’m quite a hard guy to impress). But the fact that schools, parenting books, and inspirational books do their best to ensure “success” just seems like a façade of the unreal.

The truth is, everybody fails. Everybody. There’s not a person in the world that hasn’t failed at anything they’ve done before. But people need to talk about it. You can’t just talk about success and make that your entire speech without talking about failing. Talk about failures. Talk about failing at something that you tried to achieve but couldn’t. Talk about failing at getting a girl. Talk about failing at a course. Talk about failing at impressing the company that you’ve always wanted to work at. Talk about failing at getting something when you’ve always wanted to get it.

Talk about real life. Don’t just talk about the successes of the person. Talk about their failures and their attitude during those failures. Talk about how they reacted or what they did when those failures happened. Talk about what they improved on and how they became a better person because of those failures.

Maybe I’m just wallowing in failures now, but my life won’t end up in a failure. I know God has so much more for me. I just need to wait for the time when all my failures become something amazing.

“It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.”
– Psalm 119:71 ESV

TL;DR – Keith is on a bumpy road. Keith kept failing this month, but Keith kept going. Keith has been given permission to fail. Keith needs to talk about failures. Keith is failing now, but Keith will have something amazing at the end of the failures. Keith remembers Psalm 119:71.

06.16.17 – “Comme ci, Comme ça…”

Hello!

Sorry that I didn’t do the usual Thursday post this week. It’s been a hectic week at work because of my new position at work. It’s gotten really busy, and I haven’t had the time to unwind and do personal life things, let alone blog. A lot of unfortunate things have been happening to me personally and career-wise, which is…sad? I don’t really know the best way to put it, but let me gather my thoughts and try to write it all down.

If you were to ask me two or three years ago if I wanted to be where I am currently at today, I don’t think my 22/21-year old self will positively say yes. I always imagined a grander life for me, even when I was a young child. I would have dreams of doing things differently and being a person that people admired and looked up to. As much as that’s happening now (I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they look up to me recently), I still feel like I’ve fallen short of what I always wanted to be.

Is it bad to think like that? Maybe. Maybe I’m just expecting more of my life now that I’m (almost) in my mid-20s, but it just…hasn’t happened yet.

For grade 12 (or senior year), we had to do these things called Grad Transition Plans and have an interview on them afterwards. In my Grad Transition Plan, there were boxes that we had to fill out that stated our plans for the next 5 years, and then another one for 10 years. I remember putting in my 10-year plan that I was going to be “married with a house and kids,” and that I was going to have a “stable career,” as if I was a prophet (I was going to put fortune teller, but that’s not what I’m going for).

Well, it’s hard because reality hits you, and all of a sudden, what I thought my life was going to be when I was 17 years old is totally different from the life that I have now. Yes, I have a job (I wouldn’t call it a career just yet), but I’m not married with kids, nor do I have a house. I have a car, but that’s not the same as having a house.

All I’m saying is my expectations did not meet my reality and, it’s sad to say, the life that I have right now is not what I had hoped for years ago when I was naive and oblivious to real life. It’s like that phrase you learn in French class when they tell you how you are doing (in French) and you say “comme ci, comme ça” accompanied with a teeter-tottering of your right hand with the palm facing the floor. This was my favourite answer to give because usually my life isn’t that great (which involved a huge exclamation point when you answer in French), but I’ve learned to deal with whatever comes my way.

I watched this dance routine (which placed 1st in a dance competition called Body Rock) of a local dance crew named TwoFourSeven, and the entire premise was Expectation vs Reality, which got me to thinking the same way. What I expected in my life is nothing like how my life turned out today, and I’m supposed to be okay with that? It’s hard to say.

At the end of the day though, I realize that, even though my life isn’t what I expected it to be, it’s what God had planned for me, and I should (and need to) be okay with that. When my life is not as glamorous or as flashy as other people’s lives are, there’s something about humble beginnings that make me want to keep coming back to God, and there’s something about being in the valley that makes me appreciate what God does in these circumstances while trekking through to the mountaintops. There’s something about the struggles and the sufferings in the quiet moments that begins to change my perspective of the goodness of God and how amazing He is.

Maybe my life isn’t as great as it is now, but if my life is going according to how God wants it to be, then I really have no complaints. After all, He does know best.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
– Proverbs 19:21 ESV

TL;DR – Keith is sad? Keith does not know why life is like this. Keith remembers Grad Transition Plans and what Keith wrote is not the same thing as what Keith’s life is now. Keith got to thinking about expectations vs reality, and Keith watched a dance video that describes this. But Keith knows that where Keith is is where God wants Keith to be. Keith understands God’s plan for Keith’s life. Keith remembers Proverbs 19:21.

06.08.17 – Waiting on God’s Timing

Hello!

I’m sorry for not writing last week. It was a bit of a busy week, and many unexpected things happened:

  • Our IT person left the company that I’m working for, and they expect me to replace him (when he has 10 years of experience and I’m a recent graduate). So I’ve been busy with training (three days of training…) and replacing him.
  • I graduated! Last Wednesday, I walked through the stage and FINALLY got my degree, so I can finally say I am an IT graduate!
  • I went to a birthday party on Friday and they wanted me to perform, so I went straight after work.
  • I went on a trip to the small city where I went to Bible College this past weekend until Tuesday of this week.

So, as you can see, it was an eventful week! It was a busy week, but it was great, so no complaints there. However, I’ve been recently thinking about how God is moving in my life lately, and I can’t help but wonder what He wants me to do now.

When I was on this trip to the city where I went to Bible College – which was a small city where everyone probably knew each other in some way – I started thinking about what God has planned for me. It was hard not to because people that I knew from Bible College still lived in that city, and every time we started chatting, we would end up talking about God in some way, whether it be laughing about certain things in the Bible or being serious about His will. Either way, God was involved at some point.

When I was on this trip, I couldn’t help but feel like God has placed me in that place for a reason. In fact, when I was on the plane praying for what God was going to do to me with my trip there, He gave me a word that I couldn’t shake off of my head:

Life-changing.

Life-changing? God, what do You mean? You got to make it clearer than that, Lord.

Sure enough, it was a life-changing trip. I hung out with people that I haven’t seen in five years, met people who I haven’t met before, and met again people who I haven’t seen in about 10+ years. I talked and conversed with people ranging from minutes to hours. I couldn’t stop talking, and we were able to carry a conversation for what seems like forever (exaggeration, obviously, but it felt like that). It was refreshing. It was as if I was transported five years back to when I was going to Bible College and relearning so many things about who God is and how amazing He is. These conversations definitely were a part of my life-changing moment. However, through all these conversations and all these experiences, there was one thought that I couldn’t shake off the entire trip:

I want to move and live here.

Now, I don’t know if this was a feeling of running away from my current circumstances or just the fact that I was on a trip here. But people kept coming up to me and telling me if I’ve ever considered moving to that city. The craziest thing is that there are people who I respect and admire who asked me the same question, so it definitely made me think.

What if…?

But then again, I thought about my family, my ministry, and my life where I lived now and having to change all of that to live there. As well, I started thinking about having to find another job, finding my own place to live, and finding a car (because the place I visited didn’t have a reliable transit system). All these things started entering my mind and kept me thinking even more.

However, there were other thoughts that also favoured my decision to move here, like a support system of friends who will help me draw closer to God, a chance to live outside of my comfort zone and live by myself, multiple opportunities of doing ministry, and being able to learn under people who I feel like there are lots to learn from. All these positives massively outweighed the negatives, and I was stuck at a crossroad without really knowing what to do.

I got back this past Tuesday, and for the past few days, this is all I could think about. Maybe…? What if…? Would I be able to do it? All these thoughts and questions kept popping up in my mind, and I can’t shake it off. Even now as I work, I keep thinking about the possibility. I find myself looking at positions in the small city or somewhere close there. I find myself thinking about this possibility and moving away from the familiarity of where I grew up to the place where I find myself being calm and collected. Two different locations, two different cities, two different identities. One where I feel secure in my cultural background, and one where I stick out. One where I’m a big fish in a small pond, and one where I’m a small fish in a big pond. One where my family is around, and one where I’m by myself.

I can’t tell yet if that city is where God wants me to be, but, at one point in my life, I may spend a portion of my life there. Now, I don’t know the answer whether that will be soon or later on in my life. All I do know is that I’m stuck waiting for now. I just gotta wait for God and see where He leads me.

“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”
– Isaiah 40:31 ESV

TL;DR – Keith was busy, so no post last week. Keith went on trip this past week, and it was life-changing. Keith is now wondering whether God wants Keith to move to small city or still live in big city. Keith has many questions and concerns, but leaves it all to God. Keith, remember Isaiah 40:31.

05.25.17 – Falling Down Seven Times

Hello, and welcome to another week of Keith’s ramblings! Just kidding.

I hope all of you are having a great week. It’s been quite sunny here in BC, and it’s a nice refreshing week compared to the rainy weather that we were having a few weeks ago. I mean, it’s still technically spring here, but summer is less than a month away, so the sun is more than welcome. However, my week hasn’t really been quite sunny and refreshing.

I recently failed this week. It lasted two days, and I couldn’t stop until I told a close friend about it. It kept me going over and over again, and each time that I failed, I kept feeling even worse. I didn’t know how to stop or refrain from doing it. It was as if something got a hold of me and just kept thrashing me again and again. As if once isn’t enough.

It happened, and I knew it was gonna happen. I just didn’t stop myself from doing it, and decided to just let it happen. I knew the consequences, but I still let it happen. It was really stupid of me. I just couldn’t believe I’ve failed again at a struggle that I have been fighting so hard to stop. All I could do was just be in the mess of it all with no escape (even when God had presented me an opportunity to escape). Ah, stupid Keith. And to think that leadership was meant for me.

I’m not gonna disclose it here, but it’s been a long-time struggle for me. It has been something that I struggled with even as a child, and I feel like it will disqualify me for so many things that I dream of doing in ministry. I think this struggle of mine is going to stop me from pursuing ministry even further, which, as much as I want to say grace exists, I know might happen.

Yet, through my failures, God reaches out to me and still holds on. He still loves and cares for me. He actually gave me a message when I was repenting and praying to Him:

“Come to me at your dirtiest, not just at your cleanest.”

At that moment, I saw an image of me as a little kid; a little kid that went outside after taking a shower to play in the mud, and is now standing in front of God all dirty and messy with stains all over my white shirt and my body. It was as if He was telling me that He didn’t care if I have failed. He cared that I went back and repented. He cared that I came to Him after spending some time in the dirt with a huge mess instead of hiding it.

I can’t say I will never do it again, but God help me if I didn’t try to never do it again. He needs my obedience, and if I can’t give Him that, then what’s the point of calling myself a God-loving, God-following Christian? I think I need to establish steps of not failing again just so I can live for Christ and obey Him without conditions or constraints.

I know God can change my life. All I need to do now is trust Him and trust Him fully.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
– 1 John 1:9 ESV

TL;DR – Keith wishes you all a great week! However, Keith is not having a great week due to struggles and failures. Keith feels stupid for failing, but God is gracious and loving. God can change Keith. Keith, remember 1 John 1:9.

05.18.17 – Paving The Imperfections And Blemishes

Hello!

Welcome to another day of reading Keith’s thoughts as he purposefully writes too much about something insignificant! Hear ye, hear ye! I’m sure you don’t want to read this!

All right. I think people got the point. I don’t want to overdo it.

I’ve recently been thinking about my weaknesses lately, and it all stems from a book that I’m currently reading called The Christian Atheist by Craig Goeschel. This book was published in 2011, and it’s been a nice, easy read so far. The book describes a lot of truths about what he means by the words “Christian Atheist” and it has, so far, been relatable in all aspects of my life. I’m just about halfway through the book, but I recently finished the chapter called “When You Believe in God but Donʼt Think You Can Change” and it was eye-opening.

In it, Goeschel describes the belief that Christians have about not being able to change their personality, attitudes and habits. Goeschel talks about his own problem of being a workaholic, and describes the struggle of not seeing the negative impact it was having on him and his family’s life. He also adds stories of other people and their struggles, and paints this picture of God’s ability to change people if they seek Him and ask Him for help. It was a great read.

It got me thinking though. Like Craig Goeschel, maybe there are some things that I’m oblivious to that is gradually affecting me, my family and friends. Maybe there are habits that I have that make me believe that I can never change that part of my life. Maybe there are beliefs that I have about myself that I grew up thinking but are actually lies. I don’t know, and I’m not sure what they are. This led me to looking at who I am internally and assessing which habits and attitudes that I need to work on and improve upon. I’ve found a couple of things:

  • I am afraid of social interaction, but I like talking to people about all sorts of topics: from God, to video games, to politics, just to name a few.
  • I have a defense mechanism to back out of anything that becomes heated or has too much work involved in it.
  • I make excuses for not talking to people for the sake of not talking to people.

I’ve struggled with all these things ever since I was younger, and it still follows me today (especially the social interaction fear). I don’t know why I never got the courage to tackle all these things head on when I was younger so I don’t have to deal with them now. But alas, things just aren’t meant to be.

Or are they?

Can we really change habits that we have that are not God-given? Can we really change our habits with God’s help? Can we actually do the things that we’re afraid of and do them without fail? Can we?

Well, we do serve a God who can do the impossible, so why not?

My goal is now to be able to talk to people without being socially awkward, and to work my hardest in overcoming these fears that I have. How do I do that? I don’t know, but at least I have a goal in mind! As long as I believe and pray that God can change me, I know He will do so for nothing is impossible with Him.

I mean, we are going from glory to glory, right?

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”
– 2 Corinthians 3:18 ESV

TL;DR – Keith has been thinking about his flaws lately. Keith’s been reading The Christian Atheist by Craig Goeschel. Keith says it has been good. Keith talks about a chapter describing changing. Keith has things he has to change. Keith, remember 2 Corinthians 3:18.

05.11.17 – Through the Rabbit Hole and Back Out Again

Hello there!

This is quite the late post. I’m sorry about that. It’s been quite a sombre day at my workplace because of an unfortunate accident. Also, I’ve recently been out of focus lately. I’ve kinda went back a huge rabbit hole that I seem to find myself going to over and over again for the past few years. This rabbit hole…is musical theatre.

I used to go to school for musical theatre. In fact, my first year out of high school, I got accepted into a musical theatre program at a local university here in Vancouver (for those of you local, you know which school I’m talking about). To say that I had fun is an understatement. It was tough, but it was so fulfilling to just sing my heart out onstage and perform for people. There was something that enticed me to keep doing it and to keep performing, singing, dancing, and acting for people.

However, it was around this time that I began drawing closer to God and, on my last semester of first year, God called me to Bible College two provinces away. I was definitely heartbroken. I wanted to finish my musical theatre program and graduate. I wanted to audition for musicals and plays. I wanted to be an ensemble member or have a supporting role in the musical. I wanted to sing those big musical theatre songs like “If I Can’t Love Her” from Beauty and the Beast or, from a more recent musical, “Waving Through a Window” from Dear Evan Hansen. I wanted to be a part of big musicals like The Lion King or Les Misérables. I wanted to take part in a lead role, and I was so close before I left as my class was going to do Violet and one of the lead parts was an African-American who was a baritone (I’m not African-American, but I can play as one!). I wanted to be a part of that, but God directed me away from it.

To be honest, it’s hard to say that he removed me from it, although this is the truth.

I still think that I hold some bitter feelings against God about it. I feel like I’ve been robbed of something that was so ingrained in my core, and that I could have been somewhere right now if He didn’t take me away from it. I could be travelling or in another part of the world if I didn’t leave. I could have met so many people and made so many friends in the industry where I can network with them and be a part of something amazing. I could be. Really, I could.

But once you get the calling of God, it’s hard to do anything else.

As much as I wanted to do musical theatre, I feel like God has something else for me. I feel like He led me to another path for a reason. I feel – well, I know – that God has something amazing planned for me and that He is paving my path as I write this. There is something that He is preparing me for that is greater than my passion for musical theatre. I know that, whatever it is, He is going to lead me more towards Him and He is going to draw me even closer to Him.

There is something more, but I have to believe and wait that He will bring me to it.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
– Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV

TL;DR – Keith went down rabbit hole of musical theatre. Keith feels sad that he can’t do big roles in musical theatre. Keith felt robbed by God, but God called Keith. He called him to do something amazing. All Keith has to do is wait for it. Keith, remember Jeremiah 29:11-13.

05.04.17 – Graduation Plans, etc.

Hello there!

I’ve been looking at my other posts and it seems that I ramble on a lot (and I mean, A LOT). I’ll do my best to keep this one short, but, to be honest, I have no guarantees. I guess it’s just an inherent characteristic of mine to keep talking when I need to stop talking. I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut sometimes. Speaking of keeping my mouth shut, I seem to always get a particular question now that I’m bound to graduate.

“What are your plans after graduation?”

Well, that definitely makes me shut up because I honestly have no idea (nice segue, Keith!). I get this question by so many people, most especially parents and adults. They seem to come by the dozen too once they find out that I’m graduating. That’s kinda why I decided to keep my graduation in the down low because, to be frank:

I hate this question.

That’s not saying that I hate the people who say that. I love them very much. I just…freeze when I hear that question. Then, when I tell them about not having a concrete plan, they always seem to retort back.

“You must have some sort of plan!”

…but I don’t. I have some ideas and plans of what I have to do, but I have no concrete plan of what I’m doing. I have some plans of visiting people far away from where I live. I have some plans of getting a full-time job. I have some plans of getting a certification or a credential. But I have no concrete and specific plan. It’s good to plan, of course, but truthfully I have no idea about what I’m doing after I graduate. I’ve learned something through this journey though.

It’s okay to NOT have a plan.

I don’t know when society started accepting the fact that having a plan is the “be-all end-all” after finishing something, but something that I’ve learned is not having a concrete plan is okay. Sometimes, I just have a general idea about what to do or where to go, but to have a concrete plan? It’s not always possible.

However, the most important thing is to have a goal in mind.

I don’t have a specific plan, but I have a goal. Actually, I have lots of goals. I have goals of visiting people outside the province. I have goals of getting a full-time job. I have goals of getting credentials and certifications. These are all personal goals of mine. I don’t necessarily have a plan on how to do them, but they’re goals of mine.

I always see it the way Paul handled his journey to Jerusalem. He had a goal of going to Jerusalem, but the Holy Spirit stopped him every time and turned him to all these cities we see on the New Testament. The Holy Spirit detoured him to places such as Rome, Corinth, Ephesus, Colossi, and a whole lot of other places. He even discipled Mark and Timothy! This wasn’t his initial goal. He didn’t plan all of these church plants, but God made it possible anyway. God opened doors for him throughout his journey, and he ended up expanding the kingdom of God.

I want to do the same thing. I want to strive towards a goal, but I want the plan to be God’s plan and not mine. I can tell God what I have planned, but sometimes it’s not what He wants. So all I have to do is do what He wants me to do, lean into Him and trust Him. I need to trust His plan and trust His will while I keep doing what I can for Him.

I’m sure He’ll do something amazing.

“Commit your work to the Lord,
and your plans will be established.”
– Proverbs 16:3 ESV

TL;DR – Keith keeps getting asked graduation plans. Keith says, “No idea.” Keith thinks it’s okay to not have a plan, but it’s important to have a goal. Keith looks at Paul in the New Testament. Keith wants to do God’s plan. Keith, remember Proverbs 16:3.

4.27.17 – “Be Who You Needed When You Were Younger”

Hello!

I can’t believe that April is already ending. I mean, it’s going to be May next week (*cue Justin Timberlake meme*). But since April is ending, everything seems to be improving…I think. I don’t usually know anymore. I think it’s getting better. I mean, I recently finished school and I passed all my classes, which means I’m graduating. I’m (gradually) becoming content with working at my workplace after realizing how resentful I’ve been towards it. I have all of this free time that I never used to have when I was going to school. I can now focus on doing things that I wanted to do for a long time, like play video games, watch movies and all these other things.

But I don’t take advantage of it.

I usually work on Thursdays and Fridays (subject to change soon because my schedule is all free due to finishing school), so I have free time on Monday to Wednesday. Yet all I did those days is lie down and do nothing. I mean, I had all this free time (accompanied with beautiful weather, I might add) and yet all I did is just lie down and watch YouTube videos all day. It’s a bit…depressing. Well, I do have to say that I was a little bit depressed. “Why, Keith?” You may ask. Well, it’s a bit of everything.

I finished school and passed all my classes, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. I’m becoming content with my workplace, yet I find that I’m not satisfied with what I’m doing right now. I have all of this free time, yet I still feel like I’m imprisoned doing all these other responsibilities for my family and for church. I can focus on doing things that I like, but I can’t find the motivation to do the things that I want to do i.e. play video games, improve our church’s website, learn new things. I feel like I’m stuck in this endless loop of ‘Let’s do this,’ ‘Looks really hard,’ ‘But what’s the point?’ ‘Never mind’ and it never seems to end.

Then this quote popped up on my Twitter feed:

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

I paused. I couldn’t believe that this quote went full circle. I posted about this quote last year too, but when I read it again, it was different. It was totally different. There seems to be more weight attached to it now.

When I was younger (eleven-year-old Keith, to be precise), I was longing for a person who would look after me like a brother. I was lonely, and I needed guidance. I wanted someone who would show me the ropes and make me a better person. I was wanting a male figure to look up to and be a role model. I needed a role model. I needed a teacher. I needed a person who was willing to take care of me. But I didn’t get one. Instead, I had to go through all these problems and do trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes. A lot. Some of which I regret.

Now that I’m older, I can be the person that I wanted to be when I was younger. I can be the older brother to the person who needs one. I can be the role model to the kids that don’t have a role model. I can be that person, and if all I do is lounge around all day watching videos and doing nothing, what kind of brother would I be? Would I look back in five years and be proud of being lazy? When those who look up to me ask me if I encourage this behaviour, can I say ‘No’ even when I do it myself? Would I endorse that behaviour on those who see me as a role model?

I can’t bear to answer yes to any of those questions.

Now, I want to change that. I need to be proactive. I need to wake up earlier. I need to get up and do things, whether that is to eat, run or do chores. I need to stop putting what I need to do aside and just do it without complaining or procrastinating. I need to be better. I need to do what God has called me to be, and part of that is to be an older brother/teacher. I need to put aside all the temporary things and focus on the goal. I need to focus on the goal that God has placed in my heart and to strive towards that goal.

I need Jesus, and I need to be like Him.

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
– Philippians 3:12-16

TL;DR – Keith can’t believe May is coming. Keith finished school and has more free time, but can’t seem to do what Keith likes. Keith sees quote. Keith needs to change attitude and behaviour. Keith, remember Philippians 3:12-16.

04.20.17 – Catching Up and Renewing Past Connections

Hello there!

Last week was my last week of school, so forgive me for not writing a post down. I was quite busy trying to finish my year-end project to the point where my partner and I were still finishing it the day it was due, which was past Thursday. However, I’m done school now! Well, technically I’m done school when I get my final grade for my project class. I’m hoping that I get it before the grades are due so I can attend my graduation ceremony (Please, please, please, please, Lord. Please, please, please, please…).

ANYWAYS, now that I’m (technically) done school, I have (less..?) free time now, so I’m trying to do things that I’ve put on hold because of school reasons, and I realize that I don’t have that much free time to begin with. Before my semester ended, so many things started happening, and now I have to pick up some of the slack that was left off, such as church stuff. I currently work at my church in an administrative position, and I seem to be busier than I was before I finished school. I don’t know why, but it just seems like my schedule is always booked off, and it’s starting to get…exhausting, to say the least. To be fair, it isn’t just church stuff, but a mix of personal, ministry, and social life. However, the more I do these things, the more I realize just what God has been calling me to do, and yesterday’s events solidified the recent thoughts that I’ve been having with God.

Yesterday was a LOOOONNG day. I started the day at 10:30 am and didn’t stop until 12:30 am today (last night? Midnight? I don’t really know the proper term for it). This is because a close friend of mine, who I only get to see twice in a year, wanted to hang out yesterday (my brother called it our “bi-annual hangout”). I told my brother and a bunch of our church friends about it (him and his family used to go to our church, so people knew who he was). Then, out of nowhere, my brother tells me that my friend – let’s call him Jam – should drop by at our place so that they can see each other (they haven’t seen each other in five or six years). I agreed, so we did that.

I drove to the mall where Jam and I hung out, ate, walked and talked, sat down, and then proceeded to drive back to our place. When we arrived, my brother answered the door, and they hugged it out (like bros do, you know?). We started talking at our living room for about an hour before I told my brother that I was dropping Jam off and that he can come if he wanted to. He complied, took a shower, and then we drove to our friend’s place. We have not seen their new place yet (they’ve moved twice in the past two years), so Jam invited us in.

My brother and I got to see their entire family, who we haven’t seen in about five or six years, and we just got around to talking. My brother kept talking about how things have changed, such as Jam’s little brothers, who are now in high school (the last time my brother saw them was when they were still in elementary school). So, of course, we had some sort of reunion with everyone. We talked, hung out, listened to music, and just told stories for five and a half hours. We caught up with them, invited them to an event happening at our church in May, said our goodbyes, and left. When we drove back home, I couldn’t help but think about things related to the calling that God has for me.

It was as if God was connecting all these loose threads that I have with people and reconnecting them back all over again. It was as if He was plugging all the things that have been unplugged in the past few years but in a completely different way. It was familiar, but new at the same time. It was as if God was showing me that, while other people’s bridges have been burned, my bridge with other people was just inactivated. Now, it’s as if God is activating these bridges again, and He wants them permanently there. I couldn’t help but understand that this is God’s plan all along; that He is inviting His children back to their Father, and that all we have to do is accept His invitation. Then early morning today, God reminded me of Malachi 4:6a (ESV):

“And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers…”

This was a part of God’s plan for me all along: to lead His children back to the heart of the Father. What a refreshing moment. I now understand what God’s plan is for me and why He is leading me the way He’s leading me now. My calling has now gotten clearer, and I hope that I can follow His leading to the best of my abilities.

Now, to survive this day being fatigued…

P.S. Regarding my last post, I didn’t get the position. 😦 It’s okay though! I’m sure God has other plans. 😀

“And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers…”
– Malachi 4:6a ESV

TL;DR – Keith is now finished school, and Keith has more/less free time. Keith and brother hung out with friends that they have not seen for five years. Keith and brother had fun catching up, and went home late. Keith had thoughts about God’s calling. God reminded Keith of Malachi 4:6a. Keith, remember Malachi 4:6 and follow His leading.

04.06.17 – Ctrl-T, Sign In, Log Out, Ctrl-W, Wait, Ctrl-T, Sign In…

Hello there!

Happy April, everyone! Is it just me, or does it feel like this year is zipping by? I can’t believe we’re already four months in 2017. That’s 95 days (I searched this up. I’m not mathematically inclined, although I do know people who are)! Anyways, the first week of April is my last week of school, so I have some weird feelings about this month. Good feelings, mind you, but also some negative feelings. “What would those be, Keith? I thought graduation time is happy times,” you ask with inquisitive thoughts.

Well, I’m currently looking for a new full-time job as the job that I currently have right now is – how can I say it – not entirely what I am looking for in a career. I like the environment. I like the people. I like the organization. However, I find myself looking out the huge window at my temporary desk (it’s legitimately a huge window overseeing the road, and yes, I do not currently have a desk as the one I am using is only a temporary location) hoping and praying that there’s something better for me. Maybe yesterday will attribute to it, but I don’t know.

I had a job interview yesterday. It was for a mobile video game company (one of my dreams is to work at a video game company), and I thought I did okay in my interview. In terms of a letter grade, I thought I did a B. The people who interviewed me were all great people, and they were nice and accommodating. I didn’t feel awkward at all. I feel like I messed up some questions, but overall I think I did well, and they told me that they’ll let me know in the next two weeks.

However, I thought I didn’t do well enough to land the position, so I decided to do something that I have never done before (and I mean, never done before): send a Thank You email for the interview. So I sent one this morning, and now I keep checking my email to see if it would help with my application. But I feel terrible.

I feel terrible because I’m now worried and anxious about this position.

I find myself going through the motions of making a new tab on Chrome, signing in to my email, not seeing anything and immediately signing out, exiting from the tab and doing some of my work, then doing the same thing all over again. Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and over again? But I can’t help it. I can’t help but worry about this job because I feel like it’s my way out of my current workplace. I know that I should be blessed with having a position in the first place and that I should be focusing on God more, but my worries just seem to take over when I’m working, and I can’t do anything.

I just want to know!

Yet, through all of this, I find myself looking back and thinking about what God said to the sons of Korah in Psalms 46:10 (ESV):

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”

I keep worrying, and God is telling me to be still. He’s telling me that He’s got it. He’s telling me that He has me in the palm of His hands. He’s taking care of me. He has me in His mind, and that He is paving my path for me. He was there for me, He is here now, and He is already where He wants me to go. God’s got it all, and all I have to do is wait on Him.

All I have to do is be still and know that He is God.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
– Psalms 46:10 ESV

TL;DR – Keith has mixed feelings about April. Keith looking for full-time job and got interview yesterday (yay!). Keith sent Thank You email back, and now Keith is worried about job. Keith doing same thing over and over again. God reminds Keith to be still and wait on Him. Keith, remember Psalms 46:10 ESV.